You can discover your inner self and the beauty within by keeping a journal. Look within, observe your feelings and actions, analyze them, grow from them. Write this down in a private journal. Write about your dreams as soon as you awaken – it gets easier. Trust what you feel, watch yourself grow.

I decided when I started my journal that I would not lie. I would only tell the truth or hint at it, but I would not deceive myself. I also decided I would not judge my words or feelings. Feelings cannot be judged – they just are! A feeling is not right or wrong, good or bad, it just is! My actions, though, must always intend the good, the best offered to me in this life.

So, I say I wrote 6,500 pages during those 3 years, but really there were more, much more. I filled 21 notebooks which each had 200 8-1/2 x 11 pages. Both sides. In shorthand no less. So, was it 8,000 or 10,000 pages or more? It doesn’t matter now. It was baring my soul and casting out all the pain and suffering and victimizing done to me. After the writing was over, I threw out all 21 notebooks except for the poems I had written. And I only kept the poems that were beyond the rage stage, the beautiful recovery poetry, starting with, “Skipping across the tops of buttercups.”

I worked very hard on my recovery and my journal was one of the most important tools I had. In fact, next to prayer, which I wrote down every day, my journal was THE tool which saved me. I began writing in a journal when I was going through my most difficult period in life. A dark depression was filling my soul (or maybe just my mind) and I was struggling to rise above it. I felt like I was in a deep pit of mud and was climbing up but kept slipping back.

And then God’s hand reached down to me. How can anyone convince me that there is no God or that God does not interact with us when I know God was all that saved me from the deep despair of the world? Life is not easy, but it helps to remember that we are only here for a split second, a tiny fraction of time. Before this we were with God in blessed peace and afterward we will be there for all eternity.

*

Just let it be… Let the words flow through me. Always my thoughts overlap with my love for God and pleadings for help. And help always came. Over and over again. In my writings, I analyzed all the rules I believed in and followed and always kept the fact that God was my foundation. God was/is that beautiful light of resplendent love.

I took apart everything I believed and analyzed myself and everyone else, all the bad as well as the good. Of course, it took me a while to focus on the good as I had to release the anger first. After all, ‘good girls don’t get angry…’ Everything I had believed in came back to me in a stronger, purer form.

This is my journal, the journey to my heart, pouring out its truth always and forever. Amen.

I FIRST STARTED MY JOURNAL by answering questions in the wonderful recovery books listed in my free book, “Child Abuse Recovery.” Later, I started writing down every thought that passed through my head and analyzing them. I carried a notebook with me at all times and wrote everywhere I went.

One time I wrote, ‘I do not want to write now.’ Why? Because. Because why? Because I do not feel like it! What do I feel? I feel sad …. Or whatever and soon got into the swing of it again.

I used to think there were only 2 feelings – happy or sad, but later realized there are many feelings. Feelings should be recognized and respected. You have a right to your feelings. And you can keep them private if there is no one to share them with.

I repeated some phrases many times: ‘To thine own self be true.’ ‘There is nothing to fear but fear itself.’ ‘Fear is only paper thin’ as I put my fist through the page where I had just written what I was afraid of.

**I got in touch with my memories from my earliest years and also in touch with my feelings. It feels wonderful. There is a line from a song which keeps running through my mind: ‘In the morning when I rise, tears of joy come to my eyes’. Yes, it is wonderful. . . . Wait for your miracles.

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